I thought I had more time

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Hi. I’m Christine Thomas, Personal Life Coach for Women, absolutely devoted to our individual and collective thriving in this gorgeous, chaotic, rapidly changing, still stuck, prejudiced world. This podcast is part of my series offering nuggets of practical feminism and practical magic to support women in overwhelming times. 

My baby brother, Tommy, had a very rare brain disease, FTD, Frontal Temporal Degeneration. (It’s the same horrible thing that actor Bruce Willis has.) The brain begins to degenerate or break down. I just call it melty brain. Tommy was at the prime of his life, in his mid 50s, a brilliant video and movie maker, a long-time martial artist, in peak health, a physics major full of creativity and vibrancy and love of life. 

As his brain was melting, one night I had a vivid dream of him. We were in a car together driving a high mountain road when the car flew off the steep cliff. As it was plunging down the mountain side I heard him say, “I thought I had more time.” We both knew the crash was sure death for us. 

“I thought I had more time.”

That dream shakes me even now whenever I remember it. The feeling of shock and regret for lost opportunities is still so raw in me. And I still miss my brother every day.

We live in overwhelming times, with so very many opportunities and obligations. Of course, we want to enjoy it all, be it all, have it all, do it all, be loved by all. And then there’s all we have to do, have to take care of, all those mundane adulting requirements that can suck the vital life force out of our energy. 

Our personal resources are limited. The demands on them are constantly increasing. 

Have you ever heard the phrase let death be your ally? Several of my wise teachers over the years have taught me about this powerful practice. 

Mostly we don’t want to talk about death because all we really want to do is avoid it, because we all want to live, we all think we have more time. And given our privileges and life expectancy data, odds are very good we will have more time.

But just for a minute, think: What might that mean, to let death be your ally? 

One way to bottom line prioritize, to get some clarity so we can make choices that matter to us, is to reflect on those regrets we might have if our time was far shorter than we want it to be, than we imagine it will be. 

For what might you cry your biggest tears if you ran out of time? 
What unexplored possibilities might you deeply mourn losing if you never make time and space for them even in your very full life?
Who might you miss out on becoming if you stay engaged with surface distractions, not prioritizing your meaningful dreams? 
What regret do you really not want to have if your car plunges over the cliff tomorrow? 
Is there a magnificent future for yourself that is just too scary and feels too big for you today that you will be heartbroken if you don’t ever get to go for it? 

Hard questions, I know, and there’s more.

There’s another way to have death be your ally which is to fearlessly ponder what really needs to die now. 

What in your life is way past its expiration date and needs to be gone?
What have you been holding onto that needs to be set free? 
Where might you be hording junk, physical or metaphorical, that so needs to be recycled or given away?How are old dreams and others’ expectations choking the life out of your ability to thrive?
What undone projects need to be buried and forgotten? 

A hint about identifying what needs to die, you know these: 

If it sucks your energy, if it has been on your get-it-done list for months or even years, if you’re being pressured by someone else whose values don’t align with yours to do it, if you dream of burning it up or running away from it, if you get happy when you secretly imagine being completely done with it, if you’re already planning who you’ll get to be without it, then maybe it’s time for it, whatever it is, to die. 

“Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” 

This quote is by author Norman Cousins and he challenges us to face death in yet another way: by recognizing that which is most meaningful to us – the possibilities, the dreams – that are dying within us now. The seeds we are not tending, the risks we are not taking, the joy we are not embracing, the choices we are not making. 

What long delayed vision might be dying within you right now?
Where do you feel the loss of some precious part of yourself? 
What denied potential in you wants to live now? 

By asking these questions I’m suggesting ways to get the back in touch with the meaningfulness that we all crave. Sometimes being spun out or overwhelmed can be the voice of our deep knowing, of our sweet spirits demanding we reconnect with our true, deep, knowing selves. When our attention is pulled in so very many demanding ways, any hacks that help us hold on to what’s inside of us that we most treasure, we need them, are welcome. 

But no one needs more shame or blame or shoulds. So, don’t let my words take you down that dark tunnel. Just for a bit consider what really matters to you and see if there are critical choices you’d rather not regret putting off too long. 

You can use the ancient wisdom of death as an ally to point you back to your own wisdom, to reclaim your own true yearnings. Because we all think we have more time. 

For now, breathe, and trust yourself. You’ve got this. Stay tuned for more nuggets of practical feminism and practical magic to support you in your thriving. Or contact me. I’d love to hear from you. Bye for now.