It’s been quite awhile since my last post, nearly a year, so if you’re wondering where I’ve been or even who I am, there’s good reason for that.
My baby brother somehow developed a rare, incurable brain disease – Fronto Temporal Degeneration (FTD) – that progressed quite rapidly. He died this past summer, a little less than a year after his diagnosis. I took lots of time off to be with him as he declined and since his death I’ve been taking some more time to process and grieve and just be.
It was such a rich and awful experience, watching my brother disappear. These months have given me much to ponder. My heart and soul and mind are so very full – full of feelings, full of memories, full of questions, full of profound experiences, full of love.
Out of my brother’s death I’ve emerged with a compelling need to live fully right NOW, in this moment. Just being present with my brother showed me how much I live in the future. I’m usually quite drunk with dreaming, my awareness on the plan, the future, the really big picture, the hawk view. I’m often running from this moment or attempting to comfort or daydream myself through it. I see how much of a coping strategy that is to the “too much-ness” of our overwhelmed lives. If I just improve something (organizing, saying no, being disciplined…) then what’s next will be even better than what’s now.
But death, that powerful and dreaded ally, steals the future and calls any bluff one might have regarding it. Today is the day we have. This moment, in this day, with all its messy beauty and anguished joy, is the only one we have.
My NOW looks more raw, less choreographed. I’m putting hugs and kisses on every email. I’m revealing more of myself, not playing it safe so much. Color is everywhere (that grey trend is just not for me) and so is corny humor. My daring got even more so. Really, what have we got to lose? It’s now or never for us to live our wild, bodacious, uniquely brilliant true selves.
So thank you, Tommy, for reminding me to ~
Deeply appreciate the boundless gifts of this day,
Love what and who I love wildly and deeply and without reservation,
Be my true self even if it causes others to gasp or shake their heads,
Write my stories and live my creative impulse NOW,
Appreciate my friends and family because they will be true to me no matter what.
Thank you, my clan, for all of your love, support and understanding. I’m still in the grieving process, even as I’m working and creating NOW, so your continued understanding is greatly appreciated. It’s likely to be full-tilt, dead stop, and everything in between. (It’s really fascinating what loss does to the brain/body/mind/spirit, but that’s for another day, not NOW.)